Hi everyone! Long time no see~ It's been another month and I'm back with another update. Today's blog title is based off the song called "I Speak Jesus" by Charity Gayle and this time I've added the actual video to the blog down below so if anyone wants to listen along while reading my post feel free! I originally chose this song because of the bridge where it mentions family with the idea that my blog update would center around family and how I've been blessed by the family God has placed around me, blood related or not. I quickly realized as I was typing this up that that was not the reason why this song stuck out to me. The REAL reason I was drawn to this song was because of the verses. Each verse spoke to my mental and emotional state this past month, and the only reason I did not succumb to panic or depression was because of this song reminding me to speak Jesus into my life. I spent a majority of my month studying for a board exam to be registered as a pharmacist and at moments, even up till the night before, I felt unprepared. Internally, I could tell I was at the verge of panicking or breaking down, but outwardly, I felt calm and serene as God continually gave me peace and grace. Though this month was filled with a lot of tedious memorization and repetition, it was also filled with many amazing testimonies.
1) Even if the song isn't related to family, all of my testimonies do! I started a babysitting fundraiser event for my church where I volunteered to watch the children of our church while parents could relax, run errands, go on dates, have some alone time, etc. The biggest reason I wanted to do a fundraiser like this was because I wanted to give back to my church. This past winter, I felt as if I had not been as present or serving as I could have because of a spiritual dryness and a feeling of abandonment. After having spent a couple months away, I felt disconnected and wanted to serve the church again. Knowing the sacrifices that parents go through daily (because I see it firsthand through my parents), I wanted to offer up my time, energy, and love in caring for their children. I had a great time babysitting 3 different families and I was moved after every session by how much they had grown. I had known all of the children I babysat since they were infants and conversing, singing karaoke, and watching them do puzzles or build airplanes made me realize how much I had missed because of my disconnect. I was blessed to have an opportunity to go remember what child-like joy was like and how much I missed serving in children's ministries. God opened my eyes again to what it means to love serving and it was amazing to love on the families of PEM (my church).
2) Another aspect of church I sorely lacked was a meaningful relationship with the pastoral staff. Before this point, I had only met with one of our 4 pastors at my church, and that was because he had been my youth group pastor in the past. This past month, I had the chance to meet up with my pastors and break bread with them. I'm usually quite independent in my daily livings and in my head the only reason I would speak to a pastor was if I needed help with an issue. But, after eating with them, I quickly realized even if I wasn't in difficult straits, hanging out with pastors can actually be fun ( unthinkable I know). They all gave me different perspectives on what serving a church looks like from a pastor's point of view and I also got insight on their lives and my life as well. Pastor Jong Dae, the young adult pastor, reminded me that one of the reasons I felt abandoned this past winter was because I was too focused on wanting attention and care for myself instead of towards God. It was a humbling meal and gave me insight of a craving for personal assurance and community rather than a community that shares in God's love and grace. Pastor Danny, our college pastor, shared his vision that he had for me. He encouraged me to possibly host a house church (our church's small group system) for those transitioning from college to young adulthood. This struck a chord in me because the recently graduated college students were the ones that I cared for deeply for and shared a heavy connection with, and it encouraged me to think seriously about leading a small group once I came back. Lastly, Pastor Don, our head pastor, and I talked about our fathers. My own relationship with my dad has always been strenuous and it can be hard to see eye to eye. It was amazing to listen to Pastor Don's own relationship with his father and have it be so relatable to mine and yet still work so hard to love on his father. I realized how far I am from what a great son should be, but I'm glad that God has placed an amazing spiritual leader in my life to help guide me in that aspect. The conversations were overall something I did not know I needed or wanted, but something I came away thoroughly enjoying.
3) My last testimony is about a neighborhood praise and prayer that family friend who I had known for over a decade prepared for me before I left. They had asked all the families and friends that I grew up with to come and worship and pray over me before I left. I went in without any expectations, thinking it would honestly just be me and Irene and her parents, not even expecting my own because I had not told them. I was surprised to see an entire room filled with people waiting to pray over me. I remember as we worshipped, in mostly Korean, becoming overwhelmed close to tears as we sang a lot of my favorite childhood worship songs that my parents would sing to me. Afterwards, everyone shared a bible verse or word of encouragement and then prayed over me altogether. I was moved not only by the financial support given to me after the prayer night, but by the words of encouragement from those who watched me grow up. Seeing everyone come together reminded me of how much God loves me and provides care and support no matter where I go. I came into the night not knowing I needed a reminder of this, and came out of the night in joy and in gratitude that there God had placed so many people in my life to watch over me.
I hope you all enjoyed the pictures, testimonies, and vulnerability I am trying to convey. I took my exam this past Tuesday and to be honest, I'm not sure if I passed or not. Though I may not get the results I had envisioned, I know that I want to glorify God no matter where I am placed. It's now less than a week until I leave for YWAM and I am sad to announce that this past Saturday I got COVID. My prayer for this week is that I will get better before I leave. I am excited to learn and take in all that God has to offer me and to give as much as I can. Once again, if anyone has any questions or comments from my posts please feel free to message me! I'd love to talk and connect. God bless you all and have a great rest of the night.
Love,
Heymin
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